From "The Speed Trap"

When Sue’s father died about twenty years ago, it was a traumatic experience for both her and her father. He was a very athletic man who was healthy until he found out he had cancer. Over the next six months, Sue watched him deteriorate to the level of an infant. She had to parent him and take care of all his needs. All she felt was fear; all she wanted to do was run.

Twenty years later, Sue had matured a great deal. She had been on a search her whole life for happiness -- trying to overcome years of depression, anxiety, and alcoholism. She spent a small fortune on therapies, most of which seemed to take her deeper into the past. Still, her problems worsened. Then one day her therapist announced that she had learned a revolutionary approach to counseling that would help Sue. As Sue watched her therapist transform before her eyes because of this new approach, Sue began to feel hope for herself. Her therapist was now more light-hearted, hopeful, and full of life. As Sue learned the principles of how her mind worked in a healthy way from her therapist and from workshops she attended, she too transformed her life. She no longer felt the heavy burden of the mental illnesses she had been labeled with and, instead, began to identify with her core of mental well-being.

Finally, she thought, she could enjoy her life. It was going to be great! She went on a vacation to Vancouver with her mom, and they had the time of their lives. One night shortly after they returned, her mom called and complained of a pain in her glands. Because it was unlike her mom to complain, Sue insisted she see a doctor. After many doctor visits and a biopsy, Sue’s mom was diagnosed with cancer.

Sue was terrified. The memories of her dad’s death flooded her mind, and she fell into a panic. It wasn’t fair, she lamented. She had just gotten her life together, and now she would have to go through this all over again. She became absorbed in self-pity.

After reflecting on the news, Sue returned to her mom’s hometown to be with her. She became determined not to repeat the terrible experience she had had with her dad’s death. Throughout the next two years of operations, chemo- and radiation therapy, recovery, relapse, and death, Sue was pleased to discover that her knowledge of how her thinking and her moods functioned would keep her deeply grounded and calm. She knew there was a way to go through this experience with calm, regardless of the outcome.

Sue decided to make the time she had with her mom positive in every way possible. She took every opportunity to do things with her that were special to them both -- take walks together, go shopping, watch the “Golden Girls” on TV every night. Most importantly, she didn’t run away emotionally from her mom because of her fear. For the whole two years, she was present. She lived each moment fully. When her mom got angry or lashed out at her when she was in pain, Sue didn’t take it personally. She felt compassion and patience instead.

Little by little, Sue taught her mom what she had learned about her moods, her thinking, and her wisdom. The compassion she felt for her mom began to be reciprocated, and it grew between them throughout the two years. The love they felt for each other was overwhelming.

The Fork in the Road

Ten months before her mom’s death, the doctor gave Sue the news that the cancer had spread to her mom’s bones, and she had six months to a year to live. Sue knew she had to tell her mom. One night they were lying in bed watching the “Golden Girls” when her mom said, “Sue, I don’t want to go on anymore. I don’t want to suffer anymore.”

“Don’t worry, Mom. You don’t have to,” Sue said softly, and then explained the doctor’s prognosis.

Sue began to cry, but noticed that her mom was elated by the news. She looked radiant. She was very relieved to know there was an end in sight; she was ready to die. Her mom’s elation woke Sue up too, and she decided to feel good about it as well. During the next ten months, they healed a lifetime of pain in their lives by sharing love, joy, and laughter. What helped Sue most was seeing the total innocence of her mom’s approach to how she had lived her life. Her mom had lived her life as she perceived it through her thinking -- life was a difficult struggle to be endured. All she could feel was compassion and forgiveness for herself and for others. For the first time in their relationship, they truly listened to one another deeply, without judgment or trying to change each other. Instead of being self-absorbed in her own sadness or fear, Sue was available to go through the experience fully present and awake to every moment.

The Principle in Practice

When Sue shared her story, she said, “The principles of mental health were the glue that kept me together, no matter what life presented to me. Going through my mom’s death and knowing that my core of health was within me allowed me to quiet down my thinking and to live without fear. I realized I had a choice -- I didn’t have to go through the death experience with my mom the way I had with my dad. I could either be full of fear and anguish or in a state of calm and love.”

When we have a foundation of mental health and know that it is always within us, we can be resilient regardless of circumstances. Going through the death of a parent is certainly one of the most challenging issues many of us face as adults. There is no way to avoid the grief and sadness of a loss as great as this. However, if we go through it while staying in touch with our core of health, as Sue did, we can cherish the moments we do have together. We can heal our relationships if we need to and feel compassion for the dying person and those around him or her.

Dealing with the death of a loved one is one of the most potentially growth-enhancing and loving experiences we can go through. It can also be a time of division and fear. When we trust in the power of our mental health, our wisdom will guide us through this experience and fill us with a sense of gratitude and love. It will also help prepare us to face our own mortality.

When you discover the core of mental health that is within you, you can even go through the death of a loved one with feelings of calm, love, and compassion.

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